Let’s spice this up

Let’s spice this up

As we enter earnings season yet again perhaps it’s time to spice up these calls a little. Maybe we’re just getting a little cranky but these calls have become increasingly boring. Listen when it’s summer time in Chicago and we have a choice between enjoying the good weather or listening to these boring calls the calls would much more important if at least they were entertaining. Unlike those of you on the west coast who have great weather year-round us Chicagoans have a narrow window of good weather and believe us we like to enjoy it.

So, in the interest of good entertainment, after all that’s what these calls are really about as they certainly don’t reveal anything all that exciting anyway, how about we add some spice. Let’s turn these calls from plain chili to chili with some serious hot sauce. So, here’s what we’d like to hear from some select members of this wacky world.

Tomorrow Johnson and Johnson (NYSE: JNJ) will kick things off so let’s begin with our friends in New Brunswick. Instead of the usual how about something like this;

“Listen we’d like to give you an update on the sale of LifeScan and Animas but in all honesty, no one around here can agree on what these franchises are actually worth. Most of us have an overly inflated view of what these franchises are worth which basically means the few who understand what they are worth aren’t being listened to. Of course, the investment bankers who’ve been advising us on this sale agree with the majority as the bigger the sale price the larger their fee, imagine that.

Heck what we thought would be the lone bright spot in diabetes, Invokana isn’t doing all that well either. My goodness you’d think we’d get a break but the fact is the data for Invokana just isn’t measuring up so we have no choice but to keep using price/rebates to keep Invokana on formulary.

The fact is, even though most of us around here are ignoring those pesky facts, is that we overstayed our welcome with LifeScan and Animas and should have sold them when they really had value. Oh well.”

When Abbott (NYSE: ABT) reports on Thursday we’d like to hear this;

“Folks we know everyone is anxiously awaiting the approval of the Libre by the FDA but it’s beginning to look like history is repeating itself. Since we do not want to be ridiculed endlessly by Momma Kliff as we were when we couldn’t get the Navigator approved by the FDA we have decided not to provide any further updates on the FDA and Libre. Bottom line, when it happens, it happens.”

The following Thursday will be a red-letter day when Roche and Tandem (NASDAQ: TNDM) report. Since Roche goes first that day here’s what we’d like to hear;

“Since we couldn’t sell the diabetes franchise we have decided, really this was forced upon us, that we might as well try and transform this franchise from selling toys to selling systems. Yes, we know everyone else is doing the same thing but as the old saying goes if you can’t beat’em might as well join them.

Frankly we’re all having a good chuckle around here as the folks at mySugr, the company we just bought, are under the delusion that we’ll let them remain independent. That nothing will change for them, that they will just keep doing what they were doing. Yep you gotta love youthful inexperience.”

Now the Tandem call will be really interesting as what we’d like to hear is this;

“Ok let’s be clear we are getting sick and tired of being Diabetic Investor’s favorite target. Therefore, we have reached out to Sanofi (NYSE: SNY) on two fronts. First, we want to know how they dealt with being Momma Kliff’s favorite target. Seriously these endless beatings, all of which are true, are getting to us. Honestly, we can’t go anywhere without someone asking when we’ll run out of money.

We have also talked to Sanofi about what else but buying us. This would accomplish two objectives. First, we would collect a nice fat paycheck and second as we would no longer suffer the relentless attacks by Momma Kliff.

Seriously we have never meet Momma Kliff but that woman is one tough lady.”

Given that none of this is likely to happen guess we’ll be enjoying the Chicago summer.